It’s been a week since I returned from Dr. Joe Dispenza’s Advanced Workshop Retreat in Cancun, Mexico. What was I expecting? I guess to be a little bit more relaxed, some healing in my body, to make new friends. Other than that, I didn’t have any expectations, just a strong intuition that I had to be there. So, against all the “better judgement” of my rational mind, and going solely on the tiny spark of energy that flowed through my heart that said “go and your life will change,” I begged and borrowed the money to go. And then I booked a flight to Cancun and went.

If I had had any hard and fast expectations about the retreat, they were blasted away with the warm Caribean sea  as I got deeper and deeper into my heart and less into my mind. Each meditation seemed to bring me closer and closer to ….what? Well, nothing. Blankness. Peace. Sensing, not thinking. Timelessness. Where I have really wanted to travel for the last year or two. Right there, in the vast void of timelessness. Sublime.

Expectations? What are those? There are only dreams made manifest into reality amongst a sea of individuals on the same path. To experience 750 people working towards the same goal of becoming more conscious and connected to life was profound. To be amongst them walking the warm sand at sunrise, syncing together in the Coherence Healings, sitting in stillness in meditation, was the first time I felt connecting to a like-minded community. To be amongst so many others on the path was a novel, blessed experience in and of itself and one I will treasure forever.

So now I am back in normal life, at The Texan Resort, working and dealing with personality clashes, too much work, and all the complications of a busy summer here in “hospitality heaven.” In “normal life” before, I often felt that I was alone in my thinking, in my state of mind and my commitment to inner work and consciousness. An objective of getting more into one’s heart and connecting more to life is usually not on the agenda in the work-a-day world. To have such expectations and such lofty goals is considered a “waste of time” by many, a sign of weakness to some. There is just too much to be done to make being in connection with life anything more than a passing thought to be dismissed with the next email or practical consideration.

My response to the mindset of analytical thinking which pervades our world (and my own brain) is a little different as well. I used to be angry at the face of it. The majority of time, my pervasive state of being was loneliness and a longing to find “my people”—to escape the grasp of all others who just didn’t “get me” at all.

I don’t feel that way anymore. No, most people still don’t “get me,” but, you know what? I am beginning to be okay with that. Every day that I sit with my beautiful self and with the Divine that flows through me in the early morning hours, I get more and more in contact with a presence that never leaves, that is consistent and whose support knows no bounds.

How can I feel lonely in the face of all that? In meditation, either sitting or walking or laying down, I feel touched, held, received and accepted completely by this presence. Why do I need anyone else’s acceptance? I don’t. I will never truly get it anyways. People love others based on what others can do/be/get for them— my ego self included.  The Divine is simply love. The more I can express the Divine, the more I can express and integrate how It loves and love others in the same way.

I still desire to connect with community, but it is easier these days to see the beauty in everyone around me, even as their tempers are flaring, their addictions are taking over, their egos get bruised, their machisimo or their victim mentality rises to greet me in words and deeds. I feel and understand what lies underneath, and this is what I wanted to see, this is what I worked to manifest for seven days, now wasnt it? to see behind the veil, to be a visionary, to lift the veil. ,

A lot more has shifted as well, real and tangible things, mostly physical and neurological things. I do not wake up in the morning with an anxious feeling any more.  And sometimes I wake up in the midst of a dream, like two nights ago when I was laying in a field of strawberries. It was just the berries…all around me. So red and sweet. I woke up hungry for them. Every morning I have arrisen between 530-600 to meditate and there is a sense of excitement as to what I may discover. Two hours flies by. If anyone would have told me that I could sit still for that long in meditation or doing anything else, I would have laughed at their face. The trick, I realize, is to get into a space where time does not exist. Then I can travel two hours and it seems like no time, it seems like a minute has gone by.

Still, all is not rosy and peaceful and calm. Somtimes the middle of a meditation, my analytical mind clamors. What the heck are you doing? What if you fall off an abyss and never return? What if you go insane? What if this is a complete waste of time? Blah, blah, blah….

It is hard to tell with the mind what is sane and insane, what is truth and what is a lie.  And the extent of the lie. It seems to me that the only way to know the truth in this world right now is to develop the skills to see beyond the veil of this illusionary reality. To see as a mystic sees. To feel and experience truth in the body, then follow that rabbit hole of investigation of the details however far you want to go.

I will say one thing. I know what it feels like to be a slave. Viscerally from past experience, but in this life too. I know what it feels like to be a human battery, expending energy solely for the purpose of making money to pay bills and not get sick so I can keep making money, contributing to the “system.”  The system– in the form of media, workplace, family, basically everyone and everything around us– says that this is your purpose, this is your responsibility. You must sacrifice, you must give up your own happiness, then you must give back until you bleed.

The “system” says it is not your responsibility to joyfully celebrate life. I say this is EXACTLY what our responsibility is. Find the connection, find the passion, find the love and support inside you and all around you. Celebrate your beautiful body. Celebrate your heart. Celebrate your creativity. Celebrate your pain, experiences and hardships as lessons. Let love flow through you. Spend time in timelessness as one of the most important things that you do during your day. THEN give back. THEN give to others, through the joy and the love that eminates from your full, full heart.

This way of being is sooo much better than being a slave. It is so hard to explain, and even more so since I am still learning about all of this, but it as if the retreat and Dr. Joe’s teachings opened the door. And now the Universe says, Great! We’ll take it from here.

How can I explain the visceral-ness of the experiences I have been having in meditation since the retreat? They are sublime, yet they are also Divine. I feel it in my body, a wrenching, lightning bolt of energy that makes me quiver and sometimes shake, almost like a twitch or a seizure. But I am not in pain. I am letting go to an energy of some kind. What is it? I project my consciousness up and down and around and out in space and into the chamber of the pineal and all around and then a force takes over. And I feel as if I am supported, held my body and my hands and my feet and my head. Someone, some group of someone’s hold me, as they held me before. And I feel a flooding into a particular energy center or chakra. The first time, it was #3. Today it was one and two. All the while the pineal is pulsing and I surrender, I say “I am worthy to receive.” And also still in the back of my mind is a thought that I choose not to entertain too much. Is this right and okay? It is okay to connect to Spirit and the Divine this much? To feel him/her like a lover, a friend and Mother, a Father, myself and everyone…the whole Planet filling my heart with so much love that it feels as if I may burst?

Another amazing incredible exciting thing happened last night as I was planting flowers at the Texan Resort.  I thought I may burst from the desire to write a poem. That hasn’t happened in a LONG time!

So eventually I wrote this:

Visceral and ethereal

Blood and bone and stars and sun

Cells and energy

The everyday and the miraculous

In the morning before dawn

And throughout the day

Relax into Oneness

Relax into perfection

The suffering and the struggle

The light and the dark

The journey that we are all on

Is beauty found, seen, experienced

In every moment.

Life

In a pine cone

Swirls upon swirls upon swirls

Can we look beyond everything material?

If we can, then we will know our true power.

As vast and as cosmic

As the entire universe

As intricate and minute.

As a seashell.